Predict the future
You didn’t come this far to come this far.
From the book...
"But they're not that bad."
This is where most readers, in my experience, want to push back.
They want to say. But it's not all the time.
And. Most people would say I have it pretty good.
And. I'm probably overreacting.
And. She has her good days.
And. He means well.
I want to address this inclination to reframe against your better interest directly, because it matters.
All of that may be true. The difficult person in your life may genuinely love you. They may have a backstory that explains a lot. They may be funny, charming, brilliant in their field, generous to their friends, devoted to their causes. They may, on their good days, be your favorite person in the world.
None of that has anything to do with the cost.
The tax is mechanical. It doesn't ask whether the person who triggered it meant well.
It doesn't take character witnesses. It doesn't care about the backstory. The brain spends the fuel regardless of how the conversation got to be ambiguous or charged or unresolved. Intent is a question for your conscience, not for your cognitive budget.
This is one of the most important reframes in this whole book, so I'll put it bluntly: whether the person is a bad person and whether the relationship is costing you are two completely separate questions. You can answer them independently. You can love someone and notice they're expensive.
You can owe someone a great deal and still notice the tab is running.